Have you ever had the feeling where you feel like you're standing at the edge of a cliff, and you can see that which you pine for at the edge of the horizon, but you know you have to jump into the water to get there?
There were times in my life when I felt as if I was walking in circles. Once in a while, a meteor would hit and knock me out of the cycle, and I continue to walk on another path until I find myself locked in another one. It seems like a pretty stupid way to go about things, but that seems to be my modus operandi.
As I was leaving for work this morning, I saw myself as that woman, standing at the edge of a cliff with her arms stretched out, as if reaching for that elusive object at the edge of the horizon. The waves are high and as they crash down on the rocks below, she begins to lose herself in its hypnotic rhythm. The rhythm becomes a call - a call for her to jump. All she needs to do now is just let go - to leap with enough force in a trajectory that carries her safe from the rocks directly below and into calm waters, close to the edge of the horizon.
It's almost a week to my 29th birthday and I still don't feel a day older than 21, when I used to chase after the simple things in life - like a hot cup of coffee in the middle of winter, a warm bath at home and the company of a good CD. It alarms me that I'm still in that mindset - that my thoughts still hover the next good meal or a day with my niece and nephew, a pizza party with the family and an evening with the company of good friends.
Perhaps it's just the pressure of approaching 30. (I've nursed many a friend through their "coming of age" and am fully aware that it's not a pretty sight!)
At this point in my life, there are few certainties. I know I'll never own a business. I know I'll never be in politics. I also know that while I would like to be a "Super Suit" one day, I can't do it in the state that I'm in now - which leads me to rattle off the plans for my life, including contingencies, for me to achieve my goals.
It's odd that while all the plans may seem logical and do-able when I say it to someone else, the moment I settle in to actually do it, why do my hands, feet and lips always seem inexplicably bound?
Maybe I should take a cue from Aeisyah - she stood at the edge of my bed, stared straight into my eyes, snickered, and let herself fall knowing that I'd reach out and catch her.
Posted by Najah Nasseri at 2004年04月22日 18:12 | TrackBack1. Aeisyah is sooooo cute...!
2. Never say "Never". Life has a way of throwing curveballs at you while you're expecting a fast ball.
3. Never trust advice from people who use baseball metaphors.
Posted by: SS at 2004年04月22日 19:23LoL.
Najah, I have to agree. Never say never.
Oh damn. I said it.
Anyway, why worry? Maybe you'll turn all Peter Pan and end up singing you can fly you can fly..
Hmmm.
Posted by: Ash.ox at 2004年04月22日 19:49U know what Najah .. I am still trying to figure out what happened the years after I graduated from uni. :-) .. at times, it's still a blur la ... that is why I can understand a bit what u r going through..*sigh*.. I tell ya woman.. if we ever sit down for a drink .. talking abt this can take hours and it will be never ending :-) ...
Posted by: omecool20 at 2004年04月22日 20:16It'll be 10++ weeks before my 30th birthday Najah. Like you, I've always felt forever young too :) Sometimes I feel like I've been running on a spot and can never get to my destination. There are still many unrealized dreams, still many things to do. But there is always hope that one day I'll realize my long term goals.
Never forget to enjoy our NOW and you're still very young to say no to the possibility of owning your business in future.
Posted by: Sue at 2004年04月22日 20:23Hey, I live with a woman who woke up one morning after her 29th birthday and decided to drop everything and go into business. With any luck, I'll be able to quit my job soon, stay at home and jaga baby!! :)
Posted by: james at 2004年04月23日 01:10take to the water like a fish - you never know what beautiful bed of live corals lies beneath... life, is beautiful.
Posted by: Mj at 2004年04月23日 02:08najah, i had passed that 'three zeros' and i can tell you life is indeed beautiful... though my life is just moderate. no owning house, no owning car, no professional job... oh and no hubby. :)
some people would say it is a stupid kind (demeaning?) of life that i'm leading with no house, no car, no hubby, but hey, as long as i'm happy, why worry, eh? (and i'm not ambitious)
wait till you're about to hit 40. but then, i never really feel a tad above 25. never.
Posted by: cimabue at 2004年04月23日 11:50Deep Thoughts
There comes a time when you must stand alone.
You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.
You must be willing to make sacrifices.
You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.
Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.
There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.
Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.
Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.
Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.
By the way,I'm 31 this year and a lot of things i've yet to achieve
Sounds like one of those lemming syndrome to me. We go through that phase sometimes. It's incomprehensible but yet we accepted it and move on.
Posted by: yaz at 2004年04月23日 12:50u, it might seem a little too long to explain this but i try to make it simple.
i know a guy who will be 61 this year, he decided that he wants to run a business last year and now he is halfway there. i mean, he got everything to just sit down, relax and still have means to splurge for anything. the kids are well off & matured. but he is the kind that will never stop thinking.
what he keep in his mind is, "god asked us to work as if we are livingg a 1000 years and pray as if we are going to die 2moro".
so my dear, enjoy what you have.
but what most important is never stop thinking, once you do that, you've stop living.
i hope that makes sense....
as rhomer said, its just relative.
Posted by: maybelater at 2004年04月25日 23:59Dear Najah
Wait til you hit 35 and realise that you're not where you want to be professionally and personally. Big ouch ; )
Posted by: Dina at 2004年04月26日 17:27Hi All,
Thanks for the advice. Will keep it in mind esp in the next week or so. Anyway, my coming to the decision that I will never is not to indicate that I am giving up, rather I've come to learn that some ambitions are just not me.
=)
Posted by: Najah at 2004年04月27日 22:21