I got a call from a friend in Australia today. Here's hoping that she gets that project that lands her HERE, in Malaysia! Anyway, thanks to her great calling card, we ended up chatting for half an hour. If only she had a digital camera, I could have a little window of what the same day looks like from Melbourne.
She asked me to post something on this site to get some feedback. So here goes.
Article: So who was it who said love is everything?
- (can't credit it to anyone, this is one of those forwarded emails)
A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more.
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. Fifty percent of the people out there are apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life and marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions: Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing." So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following:
1) How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver etc?
2) How do they treat parents and siblings?
3) Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
4) Do they show respect?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you - who can't do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage... for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.
Naj, interesting post. I would have a tendency to agree. It is important that you see beyond the facades, to be sure. In this time and age, we all wear a mask, whether we like it or not. I guess the "Same Same but Different" theory applies. (we are all the same outside but different inside).
Although there is some truth in the article, one should not only look at this and shun away from love. Love has been generalised way too much. It is not only the euphoria of being with someone new, it is a myriad of feelings all put together. The feeling lies deep inside and it lingers. It has to be nurtured for it to grow, before it all you still need the right ingredients in the right parts.
Posted by: Gabriel at 2003年11月06日 14:08I've posted this forwarded mail in one of my past blog entries, which I've gotten from another blog as well. I tend to agree with the article as it provides a realistic perspective of what should be the basis of people getting married. At the same time it doesn't discount the love factor completely. It's just saying that love, on itself, is not the foundation of good marriage. It's love AND other things that make a marriage works.
My two-pence as someone who is still outside looking in. I believe you would have better and more feasible, working ideas on what constitutes a good marriage :)
Posted by: bintangsepi at 2003年11月06日 14:28Goodness, Najah :-) Those five things are so true :-) As someone who is looking, I'll keep the words in mind :-) gracias !
Posted by: omecool20 at 2003年11月06日 15:44Najah, I am linking this article to my blog for my reader(s) benefit. Boleh eh .. :-)
Posted by: omecool20 at 2003年11月06日 22:37ur first post im saving. saving to my C:/My Data/Bila Nak Kawin ... :D
anywayz since a comment is solicited, i just wanna say that i agree that love is the result of good marriage. however i also believe that that inner spark and inner voice also plays a role. 'jodoh' as the malays would say.
Quran - Surah Ar-Rum. (The Romans) 30:21 (yusuf ali translation)
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect."
and i would want to add that piety and God-consciousness should also play a major role in deciding the potential spouse. most of the questions asked above tallies with the goals of piety / faith / character. (taqwa / iman / akhlak)
Hadith 1
"The best among you is he who is best for his family. For my family, I am the best of all of you."
(Ibn Majah, Sunan)
Hadith 2
The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious women.
(Muslim)
Hadith 3
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.'"
(Bukhari)
another point i want to make which is linked with the above point is that, most people nowadays don't really believe in the Hereafter or the Day of Judgement. Belief in the afterlife puts the view of life on earth into a new, wider perspective (talk about 'seeing the bigger picture!') and i think once people believe that this world is not the final destination but just a temporary abode, and whatever they do in it will be rewarded or punished in the 'aakhirah' / the hereafter, then they might be able to balance and rationalize their expectations with reality. in other words, life on earth isnt always like / doesnt have to be like some Hollywood movies / Mills n Boon etc etc (media).
and finally, somewhat relevant to the entry, i think an important thing that may create a stronger marriage, and thus increasing the love...is... spending on the family...
Abu Huraira reported God's messenger, peace be upon him, as saying: "Of the dinar (unit of currency) that you spend as a contribution in God's path, or to set free a slave, or as charity given to a needy, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spent on your family.
(Muslim)
links-
http://www.jannah.org/sisters/weddinginislam.html
http://www.soundvision.com/Info/Islam/marriage.selecting.asp
http://www.geocities.com/lailah2000/hadith.html
hmm, just a supplement to my comment above. regarding the hadith 2 - "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious women."
to deflect any potential 'poetic ammo' that may come due to the phrase "...best object of benefit...", as in seeing women as 'objects', i would like to highlight that the hadiths are translated from arabic. and im giving another translation -
"The world is delightful and its greatest treasure is a good woman". [Transmitted by Muslim on the authority of Abdullah Ibn Amr (1467).]
taken from - http://www.masmn.org/Books/Yusuf_Al_Qaradawi/The_Status_Of_Women_In_Islam/008.htm
sorry najah if im flooding ur comment box. :(
Posted by: faren at 2003年11月07日 01:04hi najah, why be practical? it's love after all. here's a quote from french philosopher, roland barthes, i especially like the final sentence.
<<Despite the difficulties of my story, despite discomforts, doubts, dispairs, despite impulses to be done with it, I unceasingly affirm love, within myself, as a value. Though I listen to all the arguments which the most divergent systems emply to demystify, to limit, to erase, in short to depreciate love, I persist: "I know, I know, but all the same..."
The world subjects every enterprise to an alternative; that of success or failure, of victory or defeat. I protest by another logic: I am simultaneously and contradictorily happy and wretched; "to succeed" or "to fail" have for me only contingent, provisional meanings (which doesn't keep my sufferings and my desires from being violent); what inspires me, secretly and stubbornly, is not a tactic; I accept and I affirm, beyond truth and falsehood, beyond success and failure; I have withdrawn from all finality, I live according to chance...
(Someone tells me: this kind of love is not viable. But how can you evaluate viability? Why is the viable a Good Thing? Why is it better to last than to burn?)
- Roland Barthes, A lover's discourse: fragments
why is it better to last than to burn?
Posted by: victoria at 2003年11月07日 07:28i saved this post too =) interesting stuff najah. a lot of questions to ponder about....
Posted by: shals at 2003年11月07日 08:00this is definately an important points for a 20-year old like me. i'm not saving it on my hard disk but rather in head!
Posted by: haniff at 2003年11月07日 08:151 major advice : Don't get married if you are not ready/aware of the responsibility. It only brings resentment into the relationship after the beautiful ceremony.
Commitment is a major issue for both partners. If you are committed, both will try to work out their problems together.
Maturity is important. When you argue, think and be logical. There's no point in hitting below the belt. You are married for better and worse.
As for love, I have learned that love is NOT about GIVING. Love is about SHARING. When you only give, there comes a point when there's nothing left to give.
Posted by: Julie at 2003年11月07日 08:24I agree with you Julie (as one who's already inside).
One of the things that we should consider doing, before applying all those things to our candidates, is: How do we fare on those same questions (esp the last 3)?
For example, based on the answers, a person who is a taker, may want a giver as a partner. This would be ok with that person but what about the partner?
God made men and women different. I believe we are supposed to complement each other. You will not have a fairy tale relationship, cos that's why they call them fairy tales.
Love is like Iman, it goes up and down, at different times. Just because you feel that the spark or magic or whatever is not there like it used to be, doesn't mean it's gone. Just like faith, you have to work at it. That's love the un-Hollywood way.
As for "to last or burn", I'd say tragedies make great stories... for other people. Try having your heart wrenched out of your chest and cut into small pieces. Not that fun. But then again, it's a matter of preference. Some people prefer to go out as a bright and shining star, and some prefer the more enduring slow-burn relationship. Well, whatever makes yer tick.
namiaf
Posted by: namiaf at 2003年11月07日 12:16the five points sound like the offshoot of arranged marriages, especially the statement, "Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come"
arranged marriages are, well, arranged with the other ingredients you mentioned, with both societal rules and the notion that a woman is to respect her husband being drivers for the love which is to bloom. i'm not knocking arranged marriages, for i've seen many which are good marriages, but at the same time, the question if that is what is required needs to be asked.
marriage is a journey, and you pick the person who's best as a companion (in all forms) for that journey. sometimes, thru that journey, the companions may part for a bit to explore the offshoots which interest them or to chase a goal, but the companions will always return to continue that journey together. sharing both the common parts and the parts where we were alone in that journey makes it stronger.
know this though, nowhere will you find that perfectly compatible soulmate. it does not exist. we exist in varying forms of compatibility and maturity, and sometimes the compromise to accept what you cannot change is important. look back at the journey already partaken, and remember the portions where you'd rather have no one else other than your companion, ignore the bits where you went off alone.
life is such.
Posted by: alphaque at 2003年11月07日 13:16Lovely read that. Tend to agree. I'm gonna link to this fantastic read...
Posted by: Maya at 2003年11月07日 14:34A search on Google suggests that the original article was written by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A. and was entitled "5 Golden Rules For Finding Your Life Partner"
Reading this reminded me of my mad-hatter lecturer who "adviced" us all to put our intended partners through a series of tests/questionnaires before tying the knot to determine his/her sleeping habits, hygiene level, etc. so that there won't be any surprises later in the marriage.
Questions like "Do you pick up after yourself in the house?" "Do you leave the toilet seat up or down?" "Do you squeeze the toothpaste from the top or bottom of the tube?"...you know, coz he reasoned that often, it's the little stuff that would drive a person up the wall and those could spark a huge fight! Haha!
But then again, if the big matters that Najah pointed out in a relationship are fine and good, then the little stuff don't matter so much, I guess. It's only when the relationship is on shaky ground to begin with that people start picking on each other's tiny faults.
I don't know...me not relationship expert. Lousy at it.
Posted by: Anis at 2003年11月08日 12:09love is important and so do the 5 qs you posted.
on a lighter note you might also consider qs like:
do you sleep with lights on or off?; what colour of the walls/curtains do you like?; how would do decorate your house - zen, country, minimalist etc? :)
N/B: you should only consider the extra qs if you have answered yes to all the other 5/6 qs, just to be extra sure.
Posted by: nectar at 2003年11月11日 11:37