I was surprised by a comment made by a male friend recently on what he finds desirable in a woman. Being the young, high-powered big boss who was too busy to find a spouse type, it was not surprising that he finds powerful career-minded women enticing.
The bit that struck me as odd is that he finds the idea of slogging at work for his family, knowing that his wife too would have made the same sacrifice by staying at home, desirable.
No, despite how it may sound, this is not the typical chauvinistic comment that get working women all riled up. I had to paraphrase, but I assure you, it was made in the sweetest, most noble way possible.
It was not a statement which defined roles for a man or a woman, it was just something he preferred. He did not see it as something he fitted into, like a new jacket your dad asks you to wear. It was something he realised he was good at - working, and his motivations for working was to support a family. The fact that I know that this man slogs - and very hard at that, is enough to prove to me that he does see work as a sacrifice and perhaps, an ibadah, as opposed to just something you do to get somewhere in society. He once had something to prove, a primary motivator for those long hours, but I would like to go as far to assume that this has now taken a back-seat to his need and desire to provide.
Assuming that this is where he is going, it is not surprising that he would require a partner with the same amount of passion and commitment for the family - but in the home.
This got me to thinking, we (and by we, I mean men and women), always fall for the stereotypes in our verbal communication with regards to this topic: that if a woman is intelligent and has a mind of her own, she HAS to have a career. But in this day and age, I come across many women who don't have a mind of her own, who is not in control of the path she has taken, who just so happened to end up having a job, because she studied in school, got a scholarship/loan, went to university, and had to get a job to service her financial commitments. It is also more common for a woman to work nowadays as families have higher aspirations to the quality of life they want to lead, which translates to the income required to supplement this lifestyle.
It may even seem bolder today for intelligent and educated women to make a conscious decision to commit themselves fully to a family, something I see as a difficult decision in that you are putting a lot of trust in your partner, something you should be able to do anyway once you commit to a marriage or a permanent relationship. But there is something to be said about that too...
I am not passing any judgments on women who choose a career in the office or at home, or those who choose to balance the two. But I do see the heartache of female colleagues who are neither here nor there - half the career woman and half the mother. It's difficult, and no matter what people say about working women having it easy, more often than not, the half-and-half woman ends up putting in a lot more effort than her spouse.
And society never fails to judge. A successful career woman has a day in the news, where she is described as 34, managing director of so and so inc, and mother of 2. The attachment to her marital status and/or family is almost always apparent, as if society will not forgive her for being successful in industry if her family-life is non-existent.
I am reminded of a scene in an episode of Sex and the City (season 6), where Miranda, the lawyer, was reprimanded at work for being late to client meetings by her boss and colleague, who proceeded to note that they 'understand' that it must be difficult, with the new baby and all. She ends up reassuring them that it wouldn't happen again, proceeds to update him on the good news on her latest case, and leaves with a parting thought: "Where I am not doing a good job is at home."
Posted by Najah Nasseri at 2003年09月16日 13:22 | TrackBackLike I said earlier, to find it attractive is one thing, but being able to deliver his part of the bargain is another.
The most important element here being trust. On the part of the woman because she's depending solely on the husband financially, he has to keep up his end of the bargain and so does she.
Meesh, well said.
However the social perceptions around "roles" is still prevalent. Sadly still furiously protected by the men, polygamy is a case in point.
Posted by: Fische at 2003年09月16日 15:50I'd not force my wife-to-be to do something that she doesn't like. if she wants to work, it's fine with me and if she doesn't, that's also fine.. the most important thing is that men should share the responsiblity of parenthood together with their spouse... only then the burden that women are facing now will be greatly reduced. IMHO, that is...
Posted by: John Norafizan at 2003年09月16日 15:58on the other hand, I am totally on the contrary. If I indeed get a wife next time, I would most like it if she works. Surirumah is kind of a turn-off.
Posted by: fooji at 2003年09月16日 18:03I'd love my future wife to work . I think a woman should take part in the world's affair meaning that she has to contribute her energy or brains for the world development . A housewife is actually history ! Let alone if she is a graduate , it is a waste of rakyat's money .
Posted by: Alan at 2003年09月16日 23:52I came by way of Sarini's.
It is sad how some people perceive a housewife as a dormant being and not as mentally-stimulated as one who possesses a job. Hopefully, this rigid perception would not deter any woman who would gladly stay at home, attending to the domestic needs of her beloved family.
alan: why would a graduate wife be a waste of the rakyat's money. wouldn't she be able to contribute more to the family, being educated? and shouldn't a graduate has a choice to do what she pleases?
we should look at the individual's, couple's and their family's needs and wishes...
Posted by: hussin at 2003年09月17日 02:08i have no problem with a woman, or a man, wanting to stay at home and care for the family. however, while the man in your example might see work as a "sacrifice" and equate that to a woman's "sacrifice" of staying at home to care for a family, in fact the man is reaping benefits such as being well-rewarded financially and receiving social respect and status from his "sacrifice", whereas the woman staying at home loses her financial independence and is often seen by society as not particularly interesting, her views no longer having weight or respect. Societies tend to view paid work as more "important", whether or not this is right or wrong (wrong in my view). My point is that your male friend is ignoring the fact that very often his "sacrifice" may be considerably more rewarding than hers, however "nobly" he might like to portray this division of labour.
Posted by: vix at 2003年09月17日 10:27Hussin: have to agree with you.
I'd a discussion about this with my friends and we concluded that nowadays (mostly)women work for'security'(or insecurity) reasons...The 'What if....' questions...
Whatever we do actually we play a role either as a housewife or career woman! that's not my concern. My concern here is, how the society labelled a sucesful woman. Being sucessful woman will it be essential for the woman to be a wife, mother and career woman? Can't we just be one sucessful human being as a career woman .. just that? I guess as defined by nobody know who the common evalutaion factor for a woman sucess is job, family and also social activities! that's a fact!
Posted by: KG at 2003年09月17日 10:43Interesting point Victoria, however, I have seen families where the employed husband allocates a portion of his income to the unemployed wife, and begins the marriage with property investments in her name. Perhaps that's enough of a reward for the wife as well as ample financial sustenance should that rainy day come.
Posted by: Najah at 2003年09月17日 10:46Do you notice how our entire world has evolved into a modern society, all with the exception of “romantic love and marriage ?”
Though as a society we have become progressive and “open” than ever before, strangely, we have not let the world of love and marriage evolve and adapt to the different needs, unique personal and professional opportunities, and spiritual reasons that defines us and steers us in the selection of our true life partner.
As women of the today generation we find ourselves in a society that mandates work. I think that even the average wife/mother who stays at home in effect works. The reasons may vary, but the goal is the same: to achieve, to be all that you can be. The end result is that we all work.
See, it's very individual, it all depends on what your definition of success and happiness is..in short we must determine what "having it all" means.
I end my piece with a song from Whitney Houston, declaring, "I’m every woman. It’s all in me."
i just wanna add some of my thoughts... how can you value the output of love and attention a housewife gives to her children? it is true that we are becoming more materially obsessed. what is the measure of success and how do u obtain happiness? it is all down to the value systems and beliefs we hold to.
i would recommend everyone to read harun yahya's 'crude understanding of disbelief'.
happiness is not judged by what u drive, what you wear etc etc.
id like to give an example of puan halimathon, the mother of sufiah yusof, the child prodigy. although there may be a problem with sufiah, the other siblings are doing well academically and are pursuing their masters in their teenage years.
this is one example of how an educated housewife can impart her knowledge upon her children, thus raising human capital, and not just gaining material capital if she would have gone out and work, maybe leaving the kids at nursery or with a maid.
just a quick chime